otherwise engaged.

1 year 5 months ago today...

2006-05-13T11:11:00.000+08:00

filched from the digi-ek e-group message archive:

It's hard to host but it's even harder to emcee to a gathering
of writers. Feeling ko ine-edit ako for every word I say!...

--jay bautista

During the wedding reception, that part where the couple is asked
to say a few words, a radiant May, in a tongue-in-cheek manner,
said: "This is one of the better weddings I've attended..." Alcuin
borrowed her mike to interject: "Because it's yours, Sweetie!"

("Uuuuy!" vibe from the audience.) Even bestman Jon who, as Mads
would put it, is built like an action figure gushed: "Ang sweet
namaaan. Kakainggit namaaan!"

Congratulations for pulling off your "New York Wedding" (editors
talaga sila, cutting out parts like the bouquet/garter toss to
the relief of the singles.)

A bit of trivia: We learned from the priest (with the same surname
as Alcuin) that the church in New York, Cubao is where May's parents
exchanged their own vows.

As for info you can use, if you Kule people ever need a wedding
reception emcee and speaker at a minute's notice, Jay and Barry
(thinking on their feet) proved to be up to the surprise tasks hehe.

--lu-ann fuentes

The Bomb...at 1 yr. 3 mos.

2004-11-18T02:02:00.001+08:00

Portrait of my Love

2004-11-18T02:02:00.000+08:00

(Oh-no-I can't-believe-it-but-there's-only-just)One more month to go.

2004-11-08T01:00:00.000+08:00

I knew it.

2004-11-03T21:34:00.000+08:00

Brini Maxwell is a man.

Moving

2004-10-24T10:22:00.000+08:00

After hearing mass, I checked out Ansons Supermarket
and Department Store. Actually, my intention was just to
buy milk for my cereals. It was too much of a hassle to cross
over to Hi-Top where I usually get my groceries. But, inevitably,
I am always Alice in Wonderland inside grocery and
department stores. In all the fifteen months I've lived in Beatriz,
this is thefirst time I'd gone inside Ansons. Very interesting.
The inside is crammed with a lot of groceries, and there
is even a Swarovski Crystal kiosk which had a lot of lovely
items for sale. Quite pricey, surprisingly, for the place--the
shoppers are all public commuters--there is not even a parking
space. Maybe I can buy my tokens for the female entourage
and principal sponsors from there. Then on my way to the
supermarket entrance I changed my mind about getting my
milk so soon. The department store beckoned. So I heeded
its call and went upstairs. The milk can wait.

On the second floor was the department store, and annexed to
it --I'm not sure if it was a tenant or if it was still part of Ansons--
is an ukay-ukay. I found a sleek grey and lined Theme jacket
for only P220. I could use it for my trip to Hong Kong tomorrow!

[Before leaving for church this morning i had brought my dirty
clothes to the laundry shop. My laundry was short of the 1 kilo
for the minimum load. When I got home I passed by the laundry
shop. Good thing they haven't touched my stuff yet. I managed
to have my jacket laundered as well without paying extra.]

When I finally got my milk (and junk food and Diet Coke and
more junk food), on an impulse my mind rummaged through
its usual mental inventory of stuff I needed to buy for the condo.
Then it just occurred to me, it was pointless--that in less than
a month I will start moving my things to the apartment I will
soon share with Alcuin anyway. Then I was overcome with
mixed emotions. Only last year I had celebrated my freedom
from my sister with whom for many years I had shared a room,
then a condo (even then, we still shared a room because it was
a one-bedroom affair). Then now I will have to share my space
again, with a relative stranger. And I will have to accept that
I will do housework for him (although he says he does
housework) as his wife. I've never cooked and kept house
for anyone all these years, except myself (my sister and I
shared the chores). The thought, I am realizing now, is very
scary.

Bann(ed).

2004-10-24T09:48:00.000+08:00

Thought I'd hear mass today at St. Joseph's Shrine. As a
resident of Barangay Duyan-Duyan (not the most elegant-
sounding address, I'd have to admit), my official parish is
St. Joseph's. So this is where I applied for my marriage
banns. Maybe I should have applied instead in a parish in
Marikina, the area where, incidentally, there seems to be
a concentration of A's exes :P

Fitting tribute.

2004-10-23T20:34:00.000+08:00

Today I must have burned some P300 pesos worth of gasoline.
This morning I went on a client call at O. It was in Pasay City!
Then I had to drive back to Antipolo to pick up my mom for our
fitting session with Peter--it turned out my dad was coming, too!
Peter's atelier is in Mandaluyong so from Antipolo to Mandaluyong
I drove again in the searing heat of the mid-afternoon sun.

The dress is looking good--well, at least the shape of the lining
is looking like how I imagined the dress to be. I could lose some
inches around the waist, though. Sigh. If only I didn't love rice
that much... It's going to look infinitely better with the lace over it,
I told myself--and as if he could read my thoughts, Peter told me
that the satin lining was unkind to flab, but assured me that my figure
was fine. Was surprised that my dad did not raise any objections
to the slightly low V neckline, and the x back. He hit it off well with
Peter and he even got to tell him about his and Mommy's wedding.
He said that my mom's gown was made by a place called Society
Outfitters--apparently an in place for gowns during their time.

I remember Mommy's gown. When I was still a baby who could just
barely crawl, my mom took it out of its box and put it in a hanger.
Then my dad took photos with me in front of it. Years later, she
will have to throw the gown away because the termites will get to it.
So sad. Will look for that photo so i can post it here.

Lunch with the (future) in-laws

2004-10-23T20:04:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I was formally introduced to Alcuin's family.
It was very informal, and Alcuin's dad, Tito Tony, jokingly
asked me whether my parents found his son acceptable
at all. He asked me what my parents thought of Alcuin.
I said my parents did not seem to have any objections,
or if they did, they've not told me anything. I even added
that they seemed to have already been instantly impressed
with Alcuin when we were first going out, because they were
both familiar with his by-line in the Inquirer.

Later, Alcuin's stepmom Tita Inday joined us and she sat
beside me. Of course this made me nervous because it was
apparent she was going to grill me. It wasn't as bad as I
thought--later, I found out that she was very pleasant, and
she just seemed genuinely interested to get to know me.
My worries about the meeting seemed to have been
unnecessary. Jaypee, Alcuin's younger brother came very late,
as we were just leaving the restaurant. But I already know
Jaypee from UPCFA . He used to be a student of Darling's
and Rita's.

Stumped.

2004-10-21T10:28:00.000+08:00

Barely 49 days to go and i still have no idea for
my invitation design. Waaah!!! Ironically, the title
of this artwork is "Bride" whichI made for the
cover of a novel entitled "Catch Me a Firefly" for
Bookmark.

Reservations

2004-10-20T18:54:00.001+08:00

Alcuin 39, May 70(!) Oh no. Must trim my list again before I see
Alcuin again. To think I've not included my MFA friends who are
so dear to me. So many friends, so little budget!

Running on empty.

2004-10-20T18:15:00.000+08:00

Incredible. I'm flying off again, this time, to Hong Kong, this Monday. Not even 2 months and already I have flown to three countries, and would have gone to a fourth had I not had to defend my thesis proposal. But I've stopped accepting projects from other clients so I can focus on O. Problem is, I won't get paid till the project is finished. So I am flying to Hong Kong-- shopping mecca--and torture myself with the thought I cannot go shopping.

Credit is always an option, of course :-)

( Oh no! Is it really just) 51 days to go.

2004-10-19T20:20:00.000+08:00

Superstitions

2004-10-19T20:06:00.000+08:00

This am, the text exchange between my designer and me:

Me: Gud am, peter. Dis is may tobias. My dad is not allowing
me 2 try n my gown 4 d fittings. I wil hav 2 fit d lining (is
dat wat u col it?) insted. Hope u dnt mind. Tnx :)

Peter: Sabi sayo eh, Ok lng wid me. Dat is tradition & pamahiin.
We'l fit d lining na lang.

Me: Ok. Tnx 4 understandng :) Sinumbong kc ako ng mommy
ko :p

Peter: K lang. Yaan mo na.

Jitters 2

2004-10-18T23:21:00.000+08:00

Tonight, Alcuin and I finalized our guest list (Alcuin 39, May 63). But I still have to make the invite design!!! Oh no! And I still have an exhibition booth design to finish for a client! And a meeting with suppliers to attend! And the grades! Oh no, the deadline for the submission of grades is on the 21st! I'm ruined! Almost everything's needed tomorrow! Arrgggh!

But the good news is, my FA 203 thesis proposal's got the nod of the panelists--I can start working on it already! That is, would I want to? Next sem, they said they were thinking of
giving me 5 thesis advisees. Hay. I can use the money, though.

Last night, we watched Zhang Yimou's "The House of the Flying Daggers" at Robinsons Metro East. We didn't have dinner till after the movie (We went to Max's). Then, it was Alcuin's turn to get the jitters; I got them last week. By myself, I snapped off the depressed, unsure feeling quite easily, and focused instead on how excited I was to get married. Everybody's been so nice and very supportive, asking me what they can do to help. Even my MFA classmates to whom I've already apologized because we cannot possibly invite all of them, volunteered their services. I thought I might as well not invite any of them (except for Ambie, of course!) But perhaps because i was feeling so tired, I let Alcuin's worries get to me. Until finally I felt like crying, because I was thinking that since he was having jitters, maybe he wasn't sure he wanted me to be his wife. Then I actually cried because i felt sorry for myself. Till we split and continued discussing through text. (Cont'd.)

Changing of the guard.

2004-10-18T23:14:00.000+08:00

Got back my lace and stuff from Mrs. Halim. Peter Estocado's
doing my gown. I'm not in any mood to explain right now.

55 days to go.

2004-10-15T22:51:00.000+08:00

Portents

2004-10-15T06:58:00.001+08:00

I met Alcuin, of all places, online. The funny thing is, I think we would have never met otherwise, although we practically moved in the same circles and knew each other’s friends. Why, I even know 2 girls he used to date; one of his ex-girlfriends, C, was formerly an officemate of mine who used to talk about her lovelife, and her exes, a LOT. She always hitched a ride home with me, because she lived in Marikina (come to think of it, the other girl J also lived in Marikina and had also hitched a ride with me a couple of times). But most often, she rode with me to Antipolo because the guy she was dating at the time (the dermatologist) lived just a few blocks from our house in Antipolo (and she visited him all the time which I thought was very strange). In all those car rides, I learned a lot about C’s affairs of the heart—about the person involved (the shortest relationship she had lasted 8 days), and the circumstances of each breakup. But one of the names caught, perhaps more than the others mainly because of its unusualness . With a name like Alcuin (there used to be a director named Al Quinn)—who she said wrote for the PDI ( I remember asking myself why I was being given too much information) and the Collegian in college (she also even asked me if the name didn't ring a bell and then I remember asking myself why it was at all even important)—it was easy for me to pick out the byline from the newspaper day after day. The name just practically jumped out of the page from all the bylines (he was still with the Metro beat, then) everytime I opened a copy of the PDI. I wouldn’t meet him till five years later, but I already knew back then much more than I would care to know about his love life: he used to date a girl named C back when he was still in college and a Collegian staffer, in UP.

This used to be my playground.

2004-10-13T14:20:00.000+08:00

This morning I went to The Shrine of St. Michael and the Archangels, or the San Miguel Church, as it is more popularly known, to get my certificate of confirmation. I don't know why they require the certificate of confirmation now--they did not require it of Jun when he got married in 1997. This makes me imagine that the CBCP (Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines) is forever cooking up ways to make getting married difficult so that it can recruit young men into the priesthood, haha.The San Miguel Church is right beside the San Miguel Palace. It's been years since I've seen the inside of Mendiola, which has been closed off to regular traffic, and I remember it must have been back in college, just after the Edsa I Revolution, that I was last there.

It was a trip down memory lane, as I passed by La Concordia, in the auditorium of which I had my first (and come to think of it, only) piano recital. I remember that day, Gigi and I were in similar white dresses with orange and brown flowers with bows at the back which Mommy especially had the dressmaker make for us for the occasion. I was indifferent, Gigi hated it. She hated it that we always had to wear similar clothes. She hated we had to wear clothes sewn by the dressmaker and not bought off-the-rack. But she hated it most when she had to wear hand-me-downs. Me, I couldn't care any less. I was a happier child, I guess.

But for all her angst (and perhaps because of it), Gigi was the better pianist between the two of us. I think she played "Come Back to Sorrento" as her solo recital piece; I forget what mine was--I think it was "Edelweiss" which our teacher Mrs. Hilario had especially simplified for me. I was so nervous when I sat down to play. I flubbed the first passage by hitting a wrong note. Then my mind went blank. And so I started the piece all over again. Then Gigi joined me onstage and we played our duet.

Un(confirmed) reports

2004-10-11T08:23:00.000+08:00

Alcuin was unable to push through with the confirmation yesterday. It turns out that you need a baptismal certificate before you can get confirmed. So he just went to the church he was baptised to apply for the certificate. Then he found out he can only apply for it on Tuesday because they don't issue baptismal certificates on Sundays. Don't the church people know we have work on weekdays?!!!

It's fortunate we have another chance on November 14 to get confirmed--but it's too tight--soon after we will have to go to the interview, then the 2- consecutive Sunday orientation. I would have loved for this to have been out of the way already. Today it's only 58 days till my wedding day! And I still have no idea for the invitations!!! Must finalize invites this week.

Talked to Gigi on the phone and found out that she had ordered her dress already. Her designer sounds great, I am thinking of having a second dress made, just for safety. My costurera seems to becoming impatient with me whenever I call or turn up at her place to ask questions--I think it has to do with my having my own opinions about the dress and not leaving it entirely up to her. What I would have wished for is somebody I can brainstorm with. I know I am a rather nice person to brainstorm with--it's been my job all these years to brainstorm with a concept partner, and yet the costurera does not seem to appreciate it. Worse, she had even pushed back our first fitting to the 26th. I am getting restless.

59 days to go.

2004-10-09T18:40:00.000+08:00

Insecurities

2004-10-09T18:17:00.000+08:00

Beth insists I am so like Peppermint Patty sometimes.

Jitters

2004-10-05T19:51:00.000+08:00

Alcuin and I went to the church today to pay the reservation fee.
My fifth grade Religion teacher, Mrs. Gloria Maala was there.
She still looked the same prim Mrs. Maala some twenty plus
years ago, with just a bit more lines on the face. I introduced
myself and Alcuin. It's perfectly understandable she wouldn't
remember me, but it certainly helped that she knew my dad,
who also served as a lay minister along with her husband when
we still lived in Cubao.

Mr. and Mrs. Maala lived across our apartment in Egea St. She
told me of faculty members and students who'd married, migrated
or passed on. Apparently there's been a big homecoming reunion
in my old grade school alma mater last year, but I missed it because
I'd not seen any announcements of it.

I didn't know working on the church documents would be the most
tedious thing of all--no wonder a lot of couples just opt to marry
civilly! There's the baptismal certificate (recently issued, specifically
labelled FOR MARRIAGE PURPOSES), certificate of confirmation
(specifically labelled FOR MARRIAGE PURPOSES), the application
forms, the wedding banns (separate, for our separate parishes)
with an obligatory portrait of the engaged couple, the interview,
the 2 consecutive Sunday orientation, and the marriage confession
a day before the wedding. Hah.

Then I learned that Alcuin doesn't have an idea where he was baptized,
so he can secure a copy of his baptismal certificate (recently issued,
specifically labelled FOR MARRIAGE PURPOSES).

Oh no! Maybe this was why everything was going so smooth and
swiftly during the first two weeks--this was the clincher--finally, our
dead end. So Alcuin called up his dad. Thankfully, his dad remembers.
Although he doesn't remember Alcuin being confirmed yet. So Alcuin
will get confirmed on Sunday, the 10th.

Next, Alcuin and I went to the multipurpose building to pay the
reservation for the reception venue. It was so embarassing, the
money was a thousand pesos short when I handed it over to the
building administrator. I paid for the church reservation kasi, and
because I wanted to offset na lang my share against Alcuin's, I made
a mistake in the computation. The building administrator must have
silently uttered a prayer to the Santo Nino in our behalf, for our
mutual financial protection. Alcuin and I realized we still had a long
way to go in learning how to handle money together.

Because Alcuin had to interview somebody at 11am, we drove to
Meralco Avenue. It was only 10:30 when we got there, so we decided
to have an early lunch at Big Brothers. We each both had Big Brothers
with wasabi mayo topping, and then we shared a bag of onion
rings. It was then that the activity of the morning began to weigh
down on us. We were so exhausted! Then Alcuin admitted that he
was suddenly getting apprehensive about the preparations--whether
we were overlooking anything, whether we had enough time and
money between us for the wedding, etc. It was exactly what I was
feeling! I just thought that maybe we were feeling that way, because
we've started to shell out money na. Suddenly the abstract, romantic
notion was taking on concrete, practical real-life dimensions. And that,
the more preparations we were carrying out, the more we were getting
committed to sharing a life together.

Before us, suddenly, there it was: Forever--huge, looming, real,
nebulous, and very intimidating.

Which is also the same thing I could say about my thesis proposal
defense next week. Argh! Panic mode!!! My to-do list for tomorrow
is so scary, I don't even want to look at it!!!

Watching F

2004-10-03T22:24:00.000+08:00

It's already become some sort of a ritual with us--we always
watch F together every Sunday night, in the comfort of our own
separate homes. There's two other shows we watch together
while texting--Queer Eye & The Amazing Race.

Him: Sweetie ders 30 min massage sa davids mega.
Me : Its new. Saw it nga last week. Its on the 5th level.
Him: I think il get dat 2moro. Hav to go to mega hehe.
Me : Btw daphne's poncho thing is hideous.
Him: Its a bolero jacket. I dont like it either.
Me : Ay bolero pala.
Him: I love vera wang!
Me : Medyo ganyan cut ng gown ko, v in front tapos x sa back.
Him: Sounds gud. ü
Me : Sweetie sometimes you dont fil lyk my boyfrnd as you fil
lyk my girlfrnd. Girlfriend!
Him: Haha.
Me : ...or my gay bestfriend. Vakla!
Him: D ako shokla, kla kla kla kla kla

By the way, earlier tonight, he'd sung that song
through dinner, haha.

67 days to go.

2004-10-03T19:14:00.000+08:00

I have never imagined a person can make me so happy and sad, so excited and scared, so feeling each and every little thing I am feeling every single second everyday.

A phone conversation

2004-10-01T19:16:00.000+08:00

Me: Hi, sweetie!
Him: Where're you?
Me: Home na.
Him: Was wondering if you'd like to see Fahrenheit 9/11 on Sunday.
Me: No, sweetie, it's okay. Go ahead and see it na. It's much too
heavy stuff for me.
Him: Too heavy?
Me: Yeah, it's too much, I'm afraid.
Him: You know me naman, I like these things...
Me: I know, sweetie. But with all the heavy stuff I've been reading...
Him: Okay with you if I see it tonight, then?
Me: Yeah, yeah, go ahead. So sorry I can't see it with you.
Him: It's okay. You're working tonight?
Me: Yeah, a bit. Gotta finish my paper.
Him: Okay, then. Love you, sweetie.
Me: Love you, too, sweetie. Take care.
Him: Loveyouloveyouloveyouloveyou!
Me: Hahaha. Love you.
Him: I'm in a mall--I have no shame! Hahaha. And people are
looking at me...I love you, May!
Me: I love you, too! (sigh)

2004-09-30T21:23:00.000+08:00

10 AM: Met the dressmaker, Ms. Mely Halim. She was
highly recommended by Prof. Hila. Apparently, Ms.
Halim makes the recital gowns of Prof. Hila's daughter
Hiyas.

Ms. Halim is a kindly lady who looks like the late Doreen
Fernandez--glasses, white hair, disposition, figure and all--
who has a very young voice--I thought she was just my age
when I was talking to her on the phone earlier when I set
the appointment.

I didn't ask for a discount, but I thought the price she gave
me was very good, for the labor, including the beadwork.
So I'm still very well within budget. Now if I can manage
to buy all the materials and keep the cost down to a thousand...

4 PM: Sketched this in the client's office this afternoon,
while waiting for client to seek approval from his boss. I
think I like this one best, so far.

5:50 PM: After the client approved the compres for FA,
I took off for Carolina's in Glorietta, Makati to shop for
the lace.

Then Gigi texted me if I liked Meiling her friend to do my hair
and make-up. No, I said. As much as I would love for Meiling
to do my hair and make-up I couldn't possibly afford her, or
anybody from Propaganda, for that matter. Then Gigi texted
again that Meiling would only like to do make-up, and she would
have to bring somebody named Vic to do my hair. Naku, lalo
na, I texted her. Their combined talent fees would feed at
least 15 more people! Then she texted me to quit worrying
because it was going to be her gift to me! I love my sister!

At the end of the day, I overshot my budget for the gown
by at least a thousand pesos, mainly because i didn't
allow the cheapskate in me to buy the Php 150 per yard
lace Carolina's had on sale. I liked a fine white Chantilly
(I think) lace which had very dainty and elegant cherry
blossoms on very fine netting but it cost Php 850 per yard!
With the dressmaker's fee, it would cost twice my budget.
Sadly, I had to give up the idea. I befriended the salesgirl
who patiently assisted me, carrying the bolts of lace
around the store as I matched it against the different-hued
satin--white, ecru, ivory, etc. I finally chose a Guipure-looking
lace which had just the right size flowers, and density of
design (most laces were just downright heavily patterned!),
and most of all, had the right bagsak--just like my
clipping!

Then I got rice pearl and round pearl beads. Was contemplating
on buying the veil already but I held off--the veil still needs more
research work. But at least I now know that the material
to look for is illusion tulle.

At the counter I tried asking for a discount. "Baka may Bridal
Discount?"I jokingly asked. She laughed. "Cash po ba?"
I said yes. Then she talked to the cashier. I got 15 % discount
for the lace and satin--yahoo! I am not normally barato
but getting married on a tight budget, you learn to be more
resourceful. All those years in advertising and experience
working with tight production budgets--so this is where it all
comes in handy!

Auden's drivel

2004-09-30T08:12:00.000+08:00

Because of its breathless exclamations
and mundane musings, you would think
the following lines were written by a young girl
in love. Not. It was by Wystan Hugh Auden.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
O Tell Me the Truth About Love

Some say love's a little boy,
And some say it's a bird,
Some say it makes the world go around,
Some say that's absurd,
And when I asked the man next-door,
Who looked as if he knew,
His wife got very cross indeed,
And said it wouldn't do.

Does it look like a pair of pyjamas,
Or the ham in a temperance hotel?
Does its odour remind one of llamas,
Or has it a comforting smell?
Is it prickly to touch as a hedge is,
Or soft as eiderdown fluff?
Is it sharp or quite smooth at the edges?
O tell me the truth about love.

Our history books refer to it
In cryptic little notes,
It's quite a common topic on
The Transatlantic boats;
I've found the subject mentioned in
Accounts of suicides,
And even seen it scribbled on
The backs of railway guides.

Does it howl like a hungry Alsatian,
Or boom like a military band?
Could one give a first-rate imitation
On a saw or a Steinway Grand?
Is its singing at parties a riot?
Does it only like Classical stuff?
Will it stop when one wants to be quiet?
O tell me the truth about love.

I looked inside the summer-house;
It wasn't over there;
I tried the Thames at Maidenhead,
And Brighton's bracing air.
I don't know what the blackbird sang,
Or what the tulip said;
But it wasn't in the chicken-run,
Or underneath the bed.

Can it pull extraordinary faces?
Is it usually sick on a swing?
Does it spend all its time at the races,
or fiddling with pieces of string?
Has it views of its own about money?
Does it think Patriotism enough?
Are its stories vulgar but funny?
O tell me the truth about love.

When it comes, will it come without warning
Just as I'm picking my nose?
Will it knock on my door in the morning,
Or tread in the bus on my toes?
Will it come like a change in the weather?
Will its greeting be courteous or rough?
Will it alter my life altogether?
O tell me the truth about love.

W. H. Auden (1907-1973)

----------

Monthsary

2004-09-29T20:23:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow (30 September), it will have been nine months since
Alcuin and I went exclusive. On December 7 this year, 7 days shy
of a year since the day we first met in Starbucks, we are going to
get married!

Tomorrow, nine months since we first started dating exclusively,
I will be talking to the dressmaker about my wedding gown. If I
had all the money in the world, I will pick Monique Lhuillier. No,
not because she did Britney Spears' gown, but because I like her
style. But unfortunately, my fiance is not rich, and my father, even
if he had to pay for my gown (as is the custom in the US), doesn't
make enough money out of his rice dealership to afford Lhuillier.
So, I have to be creative and make do with Php 5,000, tops. Let's
see if I can swing a deal for the dressmaker to throw some
beadwork in. If I can pull this off, I think i might even consider
designing wedding dresses as a career option--hmm.

Study 1

Study 2

Study 3

What's in a name?

2004-09-28T08:13:00.001+08:00

Practiced signing my soon-to-be-new-name last night.
Question was--will I hyphenate, as is the current fashion,
or will I completely drop my father's name? Or, will I change
my name at all?

Learning how to write my name in script when I was in the
first grade, my dad told me to practice writing my middle name
as well. It was difficult, it was 8 letters long and to my 8-year-old
mind, I was wondering why it was worth the trouble. Anyway,
the obedient little girl i was then, I worked very hard at it, and I
always got Very Good from Miss Cuvin. Later, my dad said it
was quite alright for me to use just my mom's initial, and so
that's how I've signed my name for the past thirty years or so--
as Mary Ann M. Tobias.

When I launched my first book for children, the subject of names
again came up. For the first time, I felt that Mary Ann M. Tobias
did not fully represent who I was. And I suddenly remembered
all those years my dad would remind me to always include my
mom's initial whenever i wrote my name--he told me I was my
mother's daughter as much as I was his. For the very first time,
i understood what my father had been telling me all those years.
So I signed my very first by-line, as a children's book writer, as
Mary Ann Manalang Tobias. Till I used my nickname, and it
got shortened to May Manalang Tobias. Which was the name
I used for publishing my stories since 1996, even for receiving
checks. Then came another writer for children, Mae Astrid Tobias,
which stirred up things a bit and thickened the plot.

And now, this. What will I be saying to the world if i took Alcuin's
name and dropped my father's? Will they think I refuse to submit
to my husband if I just appended my name to his? Will I be perceived
as a selfish bitch if I left my name unchanged, despite the change
in my marital status? And also I realize now how maritally-biased
our society is. Marital status? Why is one's status defined from the
marital state? Why not, for instance, Singlehood Status, where you
will simply put N/A if you were already married? But I digress. I was
on the subject of signatures and names.

04/17/2004Relationship [un]defined.

2004-09-26T07:52:00.001+08:00

Alcuin and I had a miscommunication.

The other Sunday (April 10) in Hap Chan he brought up the subject
of kids. He asked me if I really liked to have kids. It's been the
umpteenth time he'd asked that,and I wasn't too pleased. Was he
scared that I won't be able to have kids anymore? Was he keeping
a secret from me that he can't have kids? Didn't he like kids? Was
he looking for an excuse to say we felt differently about kids? Well,
it turns out later, as we were driving home that he was contemplating
about the more serious things that lay ahead of us in the future.
The exchange went something like this:

"May, how do you think we're doing?"
"I think we're doing okay."
"You think?"
"Well, I believe--"
"You believe?"
"Well, how do you want me to say it? Um, or let me put it this way."
(Because at that point I was unsure where the conversation was going.
What if he was going to say that he didn't think we were doing okay and
he was about to dump me?!) "I love you, and I will be here for as long
as you want me to. Because the one thing I learned from my past
relationship is that you really can't force yourself on someone who's
made up his mind you're not IT yet. Why do you ask?" He mumbled
something about taking something to the next level. (Or at least that's
what I thought he said.)

And here was where we differed in our recollections a week later.
He absolutely had no recollection of our conversation before we got
to Seattle's Best where we had coffee, on my suggestion, because
I didn't want to go home just yet, and I felt we needed a neutral ground
to discuss very serious things. (Here is where it was strange: whatever
gave me that impression? Surely he said something, but apparently
he had conveniently forgotten it now. For sure i wasn't the one who
first brought up the topic of our conversation in Seattle's Best.) In
Seattle's Best we discussed how many kids we wanted (him-two,
me-three, but lately it's him-at least one, me--twins). Whether he'll
mind if I earned more than him,or whether he'll mind if I didn't work.
Where we'll live. The kind of apartment we will have (2-bedroom,
so we will have a work area). What kind of car we'll buy. Whether
we'll consider migrating. Whether he will sell his bike to get a car.
I said, hold on to the bike, I'll help him with the car. Whether we will
have two cars. Or sell my car and sellhis bike to get a new car to
start anew. And the best part of all was when I asked him if he will
ever be unfaithful to me and he said that there was not enough time
for him for that anymore, as soon as he realized that loved me and
that he wanted his life to start with me soon.

So a week later, I asked him what kind of arrangement he was
thinking of, whether he was thinking of us moving in together, or
whether he was thinking of getting married. To my shock, he said
neither--he said he didn't recall talking of either. And if he was, he
said, it was most probably in the context of the former.

I felt so humiliated, I didn't know what to say. I was carrying all
those things inside of me for at least a week. Did he just lie to
me about not recalling anything? Was he implying it was all my
imagination? Did he chicken out after he realized he might have
spoken of his plans a bit too much, too soon?

Lately, I've been cash-strapped and had seemed so down at luck.
So I was so emotional over the littlest things the past couple of
weeks. And now, this.

Alcuin had been very understanding as he listened (or rather,
suffered) my weepy outpourings last Friday (April 15). I had a
crying jag all through the whole day of Saturday (which is why
I had forgotten all about the Candlelight Ceremony). Toward
nighttime, i was okay because I decided to just take a rest and
watch a DVD. The crying really helped. I'm okay now.

Last night when we had dinner (at Brothers Burger--my turn to
treat), Alcuin admitted I had freaked him out. I laughed. But I really
loved it when he was just smiling and looking at me while we
were furtively (because we were scared UCC was going
to charge us corkage) stuffing our faces with Gonuts Donuts
(which we had driven all the way from UP Chapel for). Then
he said,

"Stay that way always."
"Like what?" I asked.
"That way, laughing."

Grabe, I really wanted to kiss him right there and then. Pero
nakakahiya,nasa UCC at The Fort kami. I can't really get over it. He's
been giving me a lot of these looks lately. (Kilig! ) Like he's so in love
and so happy and contented. I hope I look that way to him, too.
Because it really makes me feel really good. And I want him to feel
good, too, whenever I look at him.

Whatever it was that we discussed between the dinner at Hap Chan
West Avenue and the drive to Seattle's Best Katipunan, it will forever
be a mystery to me. Maybe it was all in my mind, that conversation--
maybe I have multiple schizophrenic personalities that took over--
one male and one female--which discussed among themselves
the topic of kids and wanted to know where the relationship was
headed. Maybe he's not ready yet. And so maybe he effectively
blocked it off from his memory. Whatever it was, I'll just take it a day
at a time, and live in the moment.

09/19/2004, Sunken Garden.

2004-09-25T21:35:00.000+08:00

So Nice ("Samba de Verao" by Marcos Valle)

2004-09-25T19:39:00.000+08:00

Someone to hold me tight, that would be very nice,
someone to love me right, that would be very nice.
Someone to understand each little dream in me,
someone to take my hand, to be a team with me.
So nice, life would be so nice if one day I'd find
someone who would take my hand and samba thru life with me.
Someone to cling with me, stay with me right or wrong,
someone to sing with me some little samba song.
Someone to take my heart, then give his heart to me,
someone who's ready to give love a start with me.
Oh yes, that would be so nice.
Should it be you and me, I could see it would be nice.

- Norman Gimbel

Happy birthday to me!

2004-09-16T21:59:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was my birthday.

Alcuin took me to dinner in an expensive Indian resto (where
orange juice was Php 180. Indian, kasi mahilig ako sa Indian
food). Masarap yung food but I was uncomfortable with the
crowd. Masyadong sosi. Kami limited lang ang inorder--ni iced
tea ko ayaw ko dumoble ng order kasi ayaw ko mapamahal
yung bill namin (Php 110 yung iced tea)--e, imagine indian food
yung nilatak namin! While everyone around us were so
nonchalantly wrapped up in their conversations, and --as I took
furtive glances at the other tables--I saw they weren't even drinking
iced tea or juice with their dinners--they were having wine!

I was a bit disappointed that not much planning went into my birthday
dinner. It turned out it was his first time to eat there, too. And he'd only
heard about it from a friend. Worse, he didn't even bring me flowers,
nor a gift. I just tried not to think about it, because it would seem I
didn't appreciate the dinner. It was an effort for him--he had gone out
of his comfort zone--his idea of eating out is Mister Kebab--to take me
to a posh resto, at the Fort, yet! But I couldn't help it, and I didn't realize
how disappointed I was till the ride home in the car. We were still
supposed to have coffee at UCC in the Fort and eat our Gonuts
(his favorite), but I said I was low batt na (which was true, I wasn't
thinking so much of the disappointment as I was just so eager to
turn in na for the night because it had been such a long day for me
so far). But in the car it got awkward, because I couldn't think of
anything to say.

So he noticed I was quiet and he asked why, and I told him
about the thoughts that were running through my head at that
moment--that i appreciated the expensive dinner (but that it was
too expensive for me to enjoy), that I would have loved to have gotten
kahit just one rose for my birthday, that I would have loved instead
to eat in a less fancy restaurant (like when he took me to
Dome and our favorite Noel Cabangon was performing. Our
bill then could not have been more than Php 500). So as we drove
to my place, he suddenly made a left turn toward Anonas. I thought
he was angry. He said he was not, but he wanted to salvage the night
because he didn't want to see me sad on my birthday. It was Noel's
night at the Bistro 70s, he said, and we just might catch him yet. So I
was happy na. We both had a beer each (I drink so much faster than
him! For a guy he doesn't really like to drink) as we listened to our
favorite guy. Noel Cabangon saved the day--this guy has no idea of
the wonders he's done for our lovelife.

We didn't stay for the second set. it was already 12 am by
then, and we both had work the following day. So he took me
home. At my condo, when I stepped out of the bathroom, he
suddenly produced a box wrapped in white and silver
(pang-wedding) and tied up with a sheer light blue ribbon.
Omigosh, I thought. But I thought it was too big for a ring (just
that Sunday, he was telling me that he might not be able to give
me an engagement ring because he couldn't afford it.) Before
I realized what was happening, he got down on one knee and
was beginning a speech that began "May, I may not be perfect..."
which was totally wasted on me because i started crying already
and apologizing for not trusting he cared to make my birthday
special. I opened the gift and he had to help me because I had
a hard time because my eyes were all blurry. It was a watch,
"So that everytime you look at the time, you will remember that i
love you," he said, or something to that effect.

Grabe i hugged him tight, I'm so sure he couldn't breathe. I don't
know, I couldn't recall na how the rest of the speech went, till he got
to the part that he asked, "May, will you marry me?". And I said "Yes,
yes, but it's okay with you that I could be quite a little bitch sometimes?
I think I was awful to you tonight." He said it's alright, that i was just
being a girl. I don't know for how long we hugged and kissed. He
was on my armchair and I sat on his lap. And that's where
I'm going to end this story. Ganun.

Lunch in Tagaytay

2004-01-26T20:00:00.000+08:00

What we had for lunch at Josephine's--a most deadly
combination of crispy pata and pork sinigang, haha.
Then it was off to Starbucks for dessert. On the way
home we bought some potted plants.

IDLIP

2003-12-31T04:40:00.000+08:00

IDLIP
Para kay A

Di ako makatulog.

Ngayon pang gabi piniling
maging mailap sa akin
ng mga talinhaga.
Kung kailan pa naman sana’y
may okasyon
para sa magarbo’t mabulaklak
na pananalita.

Di ako dalawin ng antok.

Mahal, ngayong gabi
isang bagay lamang
ang aking natitiyak:
kahina-hinayang lustayin
ang mga natitirang sandali
sa walang-kamalayang paghilik 
at pag-idlip.

4:30 AM
12/31/03

Griffin and Sabine, online.

2003-12-26T20:31:00.000+08:00

Friends always ask us, "How'd you two meet?"
To which we smile and answer, "Oh, through friends(ter)."

Now it can be told...

From: Alcuin
Date: December 4, 2003 12:40 AM
Subject: hi there

Message:

hi there. saw your profile. can we be friends?
al

PS: omigod! you like pico iyer too? i love his
essays and books :)

From: May
Date: December 5, 2003 2:50 AM

hi al,

of all of iyer's books, i only have "video
nights" but i've read his essays in Time.
i checked out your profile :) and noted you
also like italo calvino. yes, i think we can
be friends.

:) may

From: Alcuin
Date: December 5, 2003 2:50 AM
Subject: Re: hi there

Message:

hi may,

yes i do like italo calvino. in fact im
rereading "if on a winter's night..." its a
good book. i can lend it to you if you want.
what are you reading now?

al

From : May
Date: December 5, 2003 3:05 AM

haha. "the optic of walter benjamin" and
"the split and the structure" by alex coles. you
see, i'm currently taking my mfa, and have not
read anything but books on art history and
criticism these past two sems. last book read
(but still not yet finished) dai sijie's "balzac
and the little chinese seamstress".

:) may

From: Alcuin
Date: December 5, 2003 3:14 AM
Subject: Re: hi there

wow, sounds interesting. i haven't bought
any new books in a long time. i feel strangely out
in terms of the new writers. sheesh. and to think
that i was an english lit major in up dil. are you
from up too? undergrad course? mfa in what po?

sorry for all the questions :)

From: May
Date: December 5, 2003 3:23 AM
Subject: Re: hi there

mfa lang. yun na. fine arts kasi ako (pati
undergrad). walang fields (unlike sa states)
yung graduate program namin kasi it's an
interdisciplinary course. we're actually free
to design our course. dai sijie's "balzac..."
actually came out years ago na. i got around
to buying it only early this year. it's already
been made into a movie. they showed it (but i
missed it) on the lifestyle channel.

From: Alcuin
Date: December 6, 2003 9:39 AM
Subject: Re: hi there

Message:
uy di "lang" ang mfa ha. buti nga you, may post-
grad studies ka. ako hanggang panaginip ko
lang yan.

i'll try to catch that movie. pero mas gusto ko
basahin yung book muna.

by the way, do you drink coffee? i was wondering
if you'd like to have coffee with me one of
these days. :)

From : May
Date: December 7, 2003 3:53 PM
Subject: Re: hi there

Message:

mfa "lang" kasi hindi mfa "in creative writing",
o mfa "in graphic design", o mfa "in painting",
kaya mfa "lang". kasi ang tanong sa akin
palagi mfa in---?

yes, i drink coffee :) but am currently very busy
preparing for a group exhibit at the ayala
museum, so i'm wondering how that could be
possible this week...or maybe we can have
coffee somewhere near up.

:) may

From: Alcuin
Date: December 8, 2003 9:22 AM
Subject: Re: hi there

Message:
ok lang po. mas ok kung di ka na busy :)
tell me when ur free na lang po

From: May
Date: December 8, 2003 2:48 PM
Subject: Re: hi there

Message:
oh, ok. thanks.

:) may

From: Alcuin
Date: December 10, 2003 11:14 PM
Subject: hey

Message:

hey how have you been? i was wondering if you are
not too busy on sunday. :)

From: May
Date: December 11, 2003 6:01 AM
Subject: Re: hey

Message:
hi. sunday's ok. it will have to be late in the
afternoon (4 or 5?), though, because i'll be
coming from antipolo. where do we meet?

From: Alcuin
Date: December 11, 2003 11:56 PM
Subject: Re: hey

Message:

sunday at 5 pm sounds good. starbucks katipunan
sound ok? you can text me at 0918-xxxxxxx.

:)

From: May
Date: December 12, 2003 12:25 AM
Subject: Re: hey

Message:
ok. my no.'s 0927 xxxxxxx.

see you.

:)