otherwise engaged.

a random mental scrapbook for things rescued from the detritus of everyday, maintained
by an impossibly romantic, oftentimes obsessive compulsive, but always incredibly
unfrazzled and beautiful (or so she'd like to think), bride-to-be.
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A woman who writes feels too much,those trances and portents!
As if cycles and children and islands weren't enough;
as if mourners and gossips and vegetables were never enough.
She thinks she can warn the stars. A writer is essentially
a spy. Dear love,
I am that girl. --from THE BLACK ART by Anne Sexton

Sunday, September 26, 2004

04/17/2004
Relationship [un]defined.

Alcuin and I had a miscommunication.

The other Sunday (April 10) in Hap Chan he brought up the subject
of kids. He asked me if I really liked to have kids. It's been the
umpteenth time he'd asked that,and I wasn't too pleased. Was he
scared that I won't be able to have kids anymore? Was he keeping
a secret from me that he can't have kids? Didn't he like kids? Was
he looking for an excuse to say we felt differently about kids? Well,
it turns out later, as we were driving home that he was contemplating
about the more serious things that lay ahead of us in the future.
The exchange went something like this:

"May, how do you think we're doing?"
"I think we're doing okay."
"You think?"
"Well, I believe--"
"You believe?"
"Well, how do you want me to say it? Um, or let me put it this way."
(Because at that point I was unsure where the conversation was going.
What if he was going to say that he didn't think we were doing okay and
he was about to dump me?!) "I love you, and I will be here for as long
as you want me to. Because the one thing I learned from my past
relationship is that you really can't force yourself on someone who's
made up his mind you're not IT yet. Why do you ask?" He mumbled
something about taking something to the next level. (Or at least that's
what I thought he said.)

And here was where we differed in our recollections a week later.
He absolutely had no recollection of our conversation before we got
to Seattle's Best where we had coffee, on my suggestion, because
I didn't want to go home just yet, and I felt we needed a neutral ground
to discuss very serious things. (Here is where it was strange: whatever
gave me that impression? Surely he said something, but apparently
he had conveniently forgotten it now. For sure i wasn't the one who
first brought up the topic of our conversation in Seattle's Best.) In
Seattle's Best we discussed how many kids we wanted (him-two,
me-three, but lately it's him-at least one, me--twins). Whether he'll
mind if I earned more than him,or whether he'll mind if I didn't work.
Where we'll live. The kind of apartment we will have (2-bedroom,
so we will have a work area). What kind of car we'll buy. Whether
we'll consider migrating. Whether he will sell his bike to get a car.
I said, hold on to the bike, I'll help him with the car. Whether we will
have two cars. Or sell my car and sellhis bike to get a new car to
start anew. And the best part of all was when I asked him if he will
ever be unfaithful to me and he said that there was not enough time
for him for that anymore, as soon as he realized that loved me and
that he wanted his life to start with me soon.

So a week later, I asked him what kind of arrangement he was
thinking of, whether he was thinking of us moving in together, or
whether he was thinking of getting married. To my shock, he said
neither--he said he didn't recall talking of either. And if he was, he
said, it was most probably in the context of the former.

I felt so humiliated, I didn't know what to say. I was carrying all
those things inside of me for at least a week. Did he just lie to
me about not recalling anything? Was he implying it was all my
imagination? Did he chicken out after he realized he might have
spoken of his plans a bit too much, too soon?

Lately, I've been cash-strapped and had seemed so down at luck.
So I was so emotional over the littlest things the past couple of
weeks. And now, this.

Alcuin had been very understanding as he listened (or rather,
suffered) my weepy outpourings last Friday (April 15). I had a
crying jag all through the whole day of Saturday (which is why
I had forgotten all about the Candlelight Ceremony). Toward
nighttime, i was okay because I decided to just take a rest and
watch a DVD. The crying really helped. I'm okay now.

Last night when we had dinner (at Brothers Burger--my turn to
treat), Alcuin admitted I had freaked him out. I laughed. But I really
loved it when he was just smiling and looking at me while we
were furtively (because we were scared UCC was going
to charge us corkage) stuffing our faces with Gonuts Donuts
(which we had driven all the way from UP Chapel for). Then
he said,

"Stay that way always."
"Like what?" I asked.
"That way, laughing."

Grabe, I really wanted to kiss him right there and then. Pero
nakakahiya,nasa UCC at The Fort kami. I can't really get over it. He's
been giving me a lot of these looks lately. (Kilig! ) Like he's so in love
and so happy and contented. I hope I look that way to him, too.
Because it really makes me feel really good. And I want him to feel
good, too, whenever I look at him.

Whatever it was that we discussed between the dinner at Hap Chan
West Avenue and the drive to Seattle's Best Katipunan, it will forever
be a mystery to me. Maybe it was all in my mind, that conversation--
maybe I have multiple schizophrenic personalities that took over--
one male and one female--which discussed among themselves
the topic of kids and wanted to know where the relationship was
headed. Maybe he's not ready yet. And so maybe he effectively
blocked it off from his memory. Whatever it was, I'll just take it a day
at a time, and live in the moment.